MY PARADOX

I’m over 60 days AF.  My health has never been better.  I’ve been intentional with my diet and have eliminated most everything that my body doesn’t do well with; e.g., dairy, pork, red meat.  I’ve exercised regularly, including the completion of two half-marathons and a 25k competitive trail run.  I’ve been disciplined with my sleep schedule ensuring I get at least 7 hours of rest each night.  This has supported my early mornings, which start at 4am and include meditation to get centered for the day ahead.  I’ve read 5 books.  I’ve been excelling at work.  And most important, I’ve been more present and engaged with my wife and kids.  This includes an amazing and cathartic conversation with my oldest daughter in regard to my challenges with alcohol.

Yet, I find myself completely depressed today.  I’m sad and lonely.  I’m depressed because I don’t know how I can sustain being AF in the context of my life.  I stress that I’m filling the void with positive activity that will eventually burn me out.  I stress that that my relationship with my wife is going to end because I can’t keep up with her social life.  I’m embarrassed that I tried marijuana (edible – I hated it) thinking it might be a healthier alternative to alcohol and loosen me up around those drinking.  I’m depressed because I’m actually considering re-introducing alcohol into my life, as I’m talking myself into thinking it can be different this time.

I’m depressed because this makes me feel weak and scared.