INSOMNIA

I’m officially into day 8 without a drink and I find myself up in the middle of the night, woken from a dream involving a situation tied to a past drunken mistake.  As usual, I can’t fall back to sleep as I’m fixated on this mistake and the incredible guilt I feel from it.  Thoughts typically spread, as other horrible scenarios and regrets fill my head.

One of the most common thoughts is tied to my kids and thinking about the nights I would drink and pass out, and obsessing on what would have happened had they been in danger, or seriously needed me that night?  My wife reminded me tonight of a time about a decade ago that I passed out at my sister-in-law’s house.  My son, who was 3 or 4 at the time, was with me and not too dissimilar from most nights when he was young, had a night terror.  I wasn’t there for him.  How would I feel about myself had I not been there for him if it was more serious?  What if he was sick?  What if he was choking?  I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

Ironically, this dream falls on the night leading into New Year’s Eve.  A night that I would typically go into with the best of moderate drinking intentions, but inevitably fuck-up.

Probably not a coincidence.